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9 - Sapphic Yearning |
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08/06/07
We are History |
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Most historians nowadays are of the opinion that Sappho
didn't really run an academy for girls, and that the
whole thing was invented by the prudish Victorians as an
alternative explanation for her constantly being
surrounded by girls. But maybe the starch-knickered
buffoons were onto something after all. As the world's
most famous lesbian (in both the physical and the
geographical sense), Sappho's love for the ladies is
very much evident, even from the few surviving fragments
of her work that weren't torched by over-sensitive Popes
and the like. So, what better way of attracting hordes
of sexy girls than by opening up her own academy? The
canny Tenth Muse knew what she was doing.
Sappho ranks very highly on my list of top historical
figures. I say "very highly" because I've never been
able to decide on a definite order for them. Some people
might say that arranging figures from such diverse
fields as politics, art, science and philosophy into a
ranked list is not only impossible, but also objectifies
and thus belittles their individual achievements. To
this, I say: "Balls." Certain people from history are
very clearly better than others. Gandhi is better than Vlad the Impaler. Jesus is better than Jeffrey Dahmer,
the Milwaukee Cannibal. So it follows that everybody
else in history can be arranged in order as well. Having
settled this matter, I'll let you know when my list is
complete. Who will come out on top? Benjamin Franklin
was one of the sharpest and most inventive minds in
history, but would he have won in a fight with Boudicca?
On the one hand, Charles Darwin revolutionised both the
field of biology and the human perception of the self.
On the other hand, Peter Paul Rubens painted a lot of
cool pictures of naked fat girls. Who made the greatest
contribution? It's a tough one. These are the
imponderables that I must... ponder. |
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They're like sex, except
I'm having them! |
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