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  Amazon Athletic  
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  04/06/07 Jocky Wilson Says...  
  I've never been much of a sports fan. I don't object to the existence of sport per se, because it's obviously very popular and relatively harmless (well, with the exception of boxing, but that's a rant for another day). But for some reason - maybe an under-active sports gland or some similar affliction - I've always found it tedious in the extreme.

Having said that, though, there are a few sports that do manage to entertain me on occasion. Prominent among these is darts. Darts, you see, is the ideal pub sport. You only use one hand, so the other is free to hold your drink. The pub association has meant that may of the top darts players have been, to put it mildly, big guys. BDO World Champion Andy Fordham, for example, weighed over 400 pounds when he claimed his title in 2004. Now, I'm not saying we should follow his example: 400 pounds is not an ideal weight unless you're nine feet tall. But on the other hand, we live in a world populated by people of all sizes, and I simply love the idea of a 400 pound bloke being hailed as a master sportsman.

On a similar note, I quite like sumo. In fact sumo is arguably better in this respect, as the wrestlers are great sportsman because of, rather than in spite of, their size. It always baffles me that sumo wrestling originated in Japan, a country where there isn't a great deal of variation in size. Buying clothes must be a nightmare if you're a sumo wrestler.

My goal with all of this thinking is to combine these two great traditions into something that will revolutionise the drab world of sport. My creation will be called Sumarts, taking the discipline and sportsmanship of sumo and combining it with the pointy objects and alcohol consumption of darts. Crowds will marvel as two huge, semi-naked men wrestle each other in a pub while simultaneously flinging darts at dartboards on opposing walls. And sipping their pints. Wish me luck.
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